Chapter 15 — Aborted

I know, I know!

I know everything!

Dou Yan could not hold back her tears.

She was not truly a two-year-old child.

Since Father had spoken aloud of Wang Shuying's pregnancy, it was plain he had been driven to a corner and was preparing to stake everything on a single throw.

The "Western Dou" line was thin in offspring, and doing this might saddle Wang Shuying with the reputation of having coupled without a matchmaker; yet if Mother insisted on barring Wang Shuying from the gate, the Dou elders would find fault with her, and she might even bear the name of an unvirtuous wife. And besides, that name of an unsanctioned union would live only in the minds of a few Dou elders; for the sake of the Dou clan's face, the Dou would never speak of it abroad, and not only would they not speak of it, but at the least rumour they would defend Wang Shuying with all their might. What use, then, was such a stain to Wang Shuying?

Wang Shuying had used tricks to ensnare Father; so obvious a thing, yet Father, clever as he was, turned a deaf ear to it, and it was plain his heart had long since tilted. With cunning as fine as Wang Shuying's, once she entered the house there was no telling what would come of it; and if Mother must explain away every matter in this fashion, what meaning could there be left in the days ahead?

To bring Wang Shuying through the gate, Father had first threatened Mother with divorce, and then crouched half-kneeling at her side to plead.

How many more humiliations lay waiting for her in the days to come!

The youth beneath the magnolia tree was the dream in Mother's heart.

When the dream shatters, does one wake, or sink?

Dou Yan's heart gave a violent start.

So Mother had chosen death!

She lifted her head and stared at her mother in shock.

Her mother smiled, and shed tears.

Her gaze passed through layer upon layer of emptiness and settled on some nameless place.

"Shouyuan, Mother is tired and must rest a while," she murmured. "Go and play with Nurse Yu."

"Mother! Mother!" Dou Yan clung to her mother's legs and burst into noisy tears.

She would never leave her mother's side again.

"Good child!" Her mother kissed her cheeks, and tears fell like ice upon her neck, cold enough to make one shiver. "No wonder Sister-in-law says you are clever... truly, mother and child share one heart... only you know how bitter it is within me... but I have truly no strength left... if you must blame someone, blame your mother for being useless... weak and good for nothing... when I am gone, you will still have your uncles..." she said, trembling. "Perhaps it is better this way... whatever they owe me, they will repay to you... better than that we torment each other day after day and wear every last scrap of kindness away... until we all grow hateful in one another's eyes..."

"No, no..." Dou Yan cried out, her words blurred and indistinct. "So long as one lives, there is hope, so long as one lives..."

Her mother held her close, as if she would set her into her own breast, and only after a long while did she gradually loosen her hold and call loudly for "Nurse Yu."

Dou Yan wailed and screamed at the top of her voice, "Mother, don't die, Mother, don't die."

Nurse Yu was struck dumb; then, weeping, she knelt at her mother's knees: "You may as well take up the shears and let me go first, and have done with it..."

"Nurse, Nurse..." Her mother gathered Nurse Yu by the shoulders. "I truly cannot hold out any longer... before Sister Tian I still must feign a loving marriage... my heart bleeds as though cut..."

"A child without a mother is a blade of grass," Nurse Yu said, her arms around Dou Yan. "If you go, what is to become of the fourth young lady? However close others may be, there is still skin between them and her. The old lady went early; would you have the fourth young lady become as you are?"

"Mother, don't go, I will be good!" Dou Yan sobbed until she could scarcely draw breath. "Don't go..."

"Shouyuan, Shouyuan..." Her mother was overcome with grief.

The three of them wept until they were like figures of tears.

One by one the lamps of the Dou household kindled.

Grandfather and Father were both roused.

※

Writing this has left me rather melancholy too!

Quickening the pace, getting through this stretch quickly...

※