Chapter 29 — Speaking

The moment Dou Ming stepped down from the carriage, she saw her grandmother standing apart from the crowd.

Her grandmother was just as she remembered her: a lilac-colored pongee jacket with no pattern, her jet-black hair coiled in a neat round bun, a lantern-shaped silver hairpin thrust through it, and a pair of silver bracelets on her wrists. She was strolling unhurriedly around the wintersweet tree in front of the ancestral hall steps—a trunk no thicker than a wine cup—her expression perfectly serene. It was like many years ago, when she had woken from a sleep into utter bewilderment, only to look up and see her grandmother crouched contentedly among the vegetable beds, surveying the growth of the melons and greens, and her heart had immediately grown calm.

Grandmother!

Dou Yan's eyes brimmed; only by force did she keep from crying out loud.

Grandfather and Father had been led into the ancestral hall by Third Uncle; she herself was handed over to Tuo Niang and Yuzan to look after.

Third Cousin's six-year-old daughter came running over and tugged at Tuo Niang's trouser leg. "Fourth Aunt, Fourth Aunt, shall we go play cat's cradle?"

In her last life, she had had no real contact with this niece of hers; she did not even know the girl's name.

Dou Yan answered vaguely.

Tuo Niang set her down on the ground, and she darted off at once to her grandmother's side.

Should she call her Aunt Cui, or Grandmother?

Dou Yan hesitated for a moment.

She wanted to call her Grandmother, but feared that if others heard, it would bring trouble down on her.

Fifth Cousin's five-year-old daughter came chasing after her. "Fourth Aunt, Fourth Aunt!"

Her grandmother, hearing the commotion, looked over and saw Dou Yan watching her with curious eyes.

Smiling, she half-squatted and said warmly, "You—you must be Shouyuan?"

Dou Yan nodded, tears spilling over and falling despite herself.

Her grandmother was briefly taken aback, then hurried forward and embraced her. "Don't cry, don't cry!" She wiped her tears, and the calluses on her fingertips scraped a little painfully against her skin, yet her heart felt so utterly grounded.

Yuzan came running up, somewhat uneasy, and addressed her as "Aunt Cui," then snatched Dou Yan away as if seizing her back, murmuring, "The Seventh Master told us to look after the Fourth Miss properly..."

Dou Chiyue.

A faint, bitter smile flickered at the corner of her grandmother's mouth; she said nothing, but drew from her bosom a scarlet pouch embroidered with a pair of orioles and pressed it into Dou Yan's hand. "For you to nibble on!" With that, she turned quickly and walked away.

"Grandmother!" Dou Qu called after her.

Her tall figure paused ever so slightly, then without hesitation she stepped into the side alley beside them and went off toward the rear courtyard of the ancestral hall.

Yuzan said hurriedly, "Fourth Miss, keep your voice down. The Old Master doesn't like Aunt Cui talking much with the Seventh Master, or with you!"

Dou Yan gave a cold laugh and felt a deep humiliation.

If he dislikes her so much, then why did he father Father with Grandmother...

She wanted to go find her grandmother, but Second Cousin's little daughter clung to her and would not let go. "What nice thing did you get?" she asked, drooling as she spoke.

The maid attending her was deeply mortified; she scooped the child up by the waist and headed toward Third Cousin's wife, apologizing on behalf of Third Cousin's little girl all the way, her face red. "Fourth Miss, our little miss is just curious!"

Dou Yan could not help laughing, and the anger in her heart eased considerably.

She opened the pouch. Inside was a small bag of longans.

Grandmother had once said that the first time she ever ate a snack was the night she was carried into the Dou household. Grandfather and his first wife were outside entertaining guests, and the servants who had been attending her indoors had vanished somewhere; she sat alone on the bed, and because she feared she would need the privy on the road, she had eaten and drunk nothing since rising. Hungry and thirsty, she dared not stir—until by chance she felt two longans on the bed. Not caring what they were, she bit through the shells and hastily stuffed them into her mouth... And so Grandmother had always held that longans were the most delicious thing in the world.

Whenever Dou Yan fell ill or took a tumble, Grandmother would coax her with longans or dried longans.

The pouch still held the lingering warmth of her grandmother's body.

Had Grandmother prepared this pouch long ago and been waiting all this time for a chance to give it to her?

Dou Yan slowly peeled a longan and placed it gently in her mouth.

Sweet and cool, it slid from her throat to the tip of her heart.

She struggled down out of Yuzan's arms, scrambled to the ground, and darted off toward the flower hall in the rear courtyard.

The women of the Dou household were all gathered around the Second Madam, chatting.

Dou Chu's eyes found her grandmother at once, sitting alone by the fire in a corner of the flower hall.

She tossed a longan pit into the brazier.

A flame leapt up from the brazier with a pop, giving her grandmother quite a start; she could not help but look toward the source.

Dou Yan waved her little hand at her, then turned and ran to hide beneath the holly trees behind the flower hall.

Before long, her grandmother came out and stood on the steps, looking around.

Dou Yan stood up.

Her grandmother gazed at her with doting smile, shook her head in fond exasperation, and crossed the distance in a few quick strides.

Dou Yan asked her, "Are you my grandmother?"

Grandmother crouched down and gently stroked her head. "No. I'm your Aunt Cui."

Dou Yan's heart twisted with pain, but she fought back her tears. "Then... in a few days, will you let me come to the farm to play?"

Grandmother's hand stiffened slightly, and only after a long moment did she say, "The farm is dusty everywhere. It's no place for playing."

"Then can I come and see you?" Dou Chi said, refusing to give up.

"I have to work the fields. Even if you came, I wouldn't have the time to play with you." Grandmother refused her once again.

She threw herself into Grandmother's arms and hugged her neck tightly.

Was this the price of changing her fate?

In her former life, those warm days when the two of them had depended on each other would from now on be her memory alone...

Dou Yan's scalding tears fell soundlessly onto Grandmother's shoulder.

Or perhaps she should take the initiative and go live at the farm?

But before she went, she had to settle the matter of Wang Shuying!

Dou Yan turned it over in her mind.

The Spring Festival passed quickly.

Grandmother had someone deliver a sack of elm buds to Dou Yan, saying that stir-fried with eggs they would clear heat and moisten the lungs.

It was the first time Grandmother had ever sent anything to the Dou family in the city.

When Grandfather learned of it, he flew into a rage. "Who told her to send it? Throw it all out! All of it!"

Dou Yan got word and hurried over, arriving just as the steward was carrying the sack of elm buds out through the second gate.

She rushed up and clung to the sack. "I want fried eggs! I want fried eggs!"

The steward did not dare disobey and throw it away, nor did he dare forcibly drive Dou Yan off.

Dou Yan kicked up a tremendous fuss, and the commotion reached Dou Huaiying.

Dou Huaiying pondered for a long while, then instructed the steward, "Take this sack of elm buds to the kitchen."

The steward breathed a sigh of relief.

Dou Huaiying led Dou Yan back to the study by the hand.

Dou Yan thought her father meant to say something to her, but in the end he spent the whole day practicing calligraphy at his desk and did not even stop for the noon meal.

Wang Shuying came in carrying Dou Ming.

Giggling, Dou Ming reached for Dou Huaiying's brush.